When Anxiety Attacks

“Do not worry”

they tell me not to overthink

about the things not yet happening

nor the things that are already done

yet how can I stop the gears

turning and turning in my head

finding ways it could have been different

analyzing each moment bit by bit.

“Do not worry”

I try not to let my panic show

so I practice the words inside my head

before I say them out loud

always afraid to let my jumbled thoughts

run loose into the world

and watch with horror as

each friendly face turns to scorn

as they realize that I am just a mask

a puppet playing a role

my strings are made of

the expectations of people

pulling and twisting every which way.

“Do not worry”

but how can I not?

when I feel like people’s eyes

are looking down on me

judging my every move

so I keep my walls up

and cover them with thorns

not letting anybody see inside my soul

a room full of broken things:

my fears, worries, and insecurities

a scattered mess I try to make sense of

every night as I lay awake

until the morning sun rises

and new worries come alive

so I panic, I overthink and I wring my hands

and it goes on and on

every day of my anxious life

but I am OK, I swear I’m fine

so, don’t you worry…

A Day in My Life

***possible trigger warning***

Morning…

I wake up

And feel as if I never slept

My eyes stare up the ceiling

Willing it to open up

To see the clouds and the sky

To feel the warm kiss of the sun

I take deep breaths

Fighting the urge to close my eyes again

Slow deliberate breaths

Trying to have the courage to face the day

My eyes move on to the wall

Tracing the invisible shadows

Of the monster from the night before

The silence of the morning rings in my ears

The fears quite at bay

The anxiety slowly lifting

“I can do this…”

I whisper, a soft prayer

To whichever god is listening

“I can do this!”

I say once more

And pushed my already tired body

And exhausted mind to move

I sit and stare at my room

Feeling stupid for my fears

Knowing that monsters are not real

And the voices are just figments of my imagination

It’s all in my head.

Afternoon…

I feel so tired

Going through the same motions

Playing nice with the people

Who probably don’t care about me

Smiling even though all I want is to cry

It’s exhausting

Trying to act so together

Faking confidence and strength

I feel like a clay

Hard and dry from all the forced molding

Each laughter sounds so alien to my ears

Genuine happiness a vague memory

When I was young and none the wiser

But now I’ve grown up and I know

Darkness dwells within every one of us

And although that dark hole beckons

Calling me to take my rest within its chasm

I resist and do the role I have to play

Fake it till you make it.

Tonight…

The day has ended at last!

But the gears in my head are still working hard

Worrying over the things I did today

Did I smile too much? Or laughed too hard?

Did they notice when my mind was million miles away?

Can they hear the voices screaming in my ear?

Telling me that I’m not good enough

I can never belong with anyone

I am a failure, worthless and unimportant

Sometimes, I wish they could hear it, too

But I know these monsters are just for me

I can hear them loud and clear

And see their shadows across the room

As I sit on my bed and feel the wall

Slowly closing in, and taking out the air

I can’t breathe

I can’t find the strength to believe

And I feel that tingle again

To find relief, soon, very soon

In darkness we began and with it we will end

And I feel its alluring pull

To just end the pain and the voices

Can I do this?

If there is a God, can you hear me?

I close my eyes, trying to block out the noise

And whispering a silent promise to myself:

If I survive tonight, if I live through this,

I swear, tomorrow I will try again.